Weekend Wrap Up!

This weekend I attended with my best single gal, Cosmopolitan Pittsburgh hosted by the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust. This was a huge change from my normal dive bar type scene. There were dancers and food and um, an OPEN BAR baby! They had one cocktail that was so amazing, I’m going to do everything in my power to replicate it and share it with you. We were just two girls dressed to the nines, downtown at the August Wilson Center, dancing the night away and having a genuinely amazing time. Total Glitz.

Then Saturday I spent with some dear friends celebrating the separation between myself and my old hospital. After 4 years I decided to move on so a celebration was in order. Cocktails on the deck at Steel Cactus and some shots at my favorite divey, William Penn Tavern.

I had a fabulous time, but I will admit. No matter how stunning you make yourself look on the outside, it doesn’t change if you feel like garbage on the inside. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about my ex. He’s with another (we’ll say) girl and I knew no matter how great I looked, how much fun I seemed to be having, he wouldn’t give me a second glance.

Being a newly single girl, it’s only partly about being fabulously dressed. You have to learn how to be fabulous on the inside. My journey is just beginning and I know someday I’ll get there.

But here’s my tip: Fake it til you make it. If I didn’t force myself to get out of bed, I would have missed two fabulous parties. That’s two nights I was able to leave the sanctity of my bedroom. Eventually, you won’t be faking it, you’ll just be making it.

Any other tips for the newly single??

Last Day to Wallow

Yesterday was my angry day. Every second I wanted to just scream or hit something. I feel so wronged, because I was. I was wronged for many, many months and I let it happen. I was angry at my ex, I was angry at myself. I was angry at the weather for being beautiful when I was feeling so terrible.

I spent the day with my mom and aunt and got a lot of my anger out. It’s good to complain to people who love you, especially people like my family. Tough love is our motto. It felt so good to sternly be told to cut the shit and how great you really are. Seriously, if you have someone like that, utilize them.

Feeling a little bit better and not wanting to waste the gorgeous night I was so angry at, I called up my dear (and single) friend. We spent at evening at the Livermore in East Liberty laughing and playing on Tinder. We complained about boys and hung out at the gay bars. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better way to end such an angry night. Didn’t overdo it with the booze, just had a good time with a good friend.

This week has taught me just to accept my feelings. I think when we hold them down and don’t wallow in them, the way I have been doing, it takes that much longer to seek happiness. I have gone over every scenario at least 100 times. I’ve listed everything I have loved, hated about him 100 times. I have realized things I will miss, things I have been missing. I’ve been angry, sad, relieved, spiteful, scared and everything in between.

I’m glad that I wallowed. I’m glad I overdid these feelings. I feel ready to take on this new week and my new adventures.

So today is my last day to be openly crazy. I’m going to make a list of all the things I want to change. Not in a bad, “I hate myself” way, but more like a wish list. This is the time to do all of the things I’ve wanted to do and not worry about someone else. I am 25, single, independent and ready to move on. Learn to love myself so someone can learn to love me for who I am. Flaws and all. This isn’t going to happen in a day, there will be bumps in the road. There will be days I just want to cry but I’m going to work through it. There will be days I want to stalk my ex and punch him in the jugular, I won’t but I will definitely fantasize about it.

Someday I’ll forgive. Someday I will love. But until then, I’m just a single girl, discovering herself, discovering health and chasing life, love and vegan.

xo

The Wallow Week: Part 4

Last night tears and wine turned into shots and shots. Did I mention shots? Granted, I had an amazing night with my girlfriends, at least I think I had an amazing night, it’s a little blurry, but I woke up with a wicked hangover. Alcohol and break up induced hangover. I woke up at ten, moved to the couch, and have been planted there since. I watched a ton of the new 90210, Gypsy Wedding and Where the Wild Things Are.

I use the term watch loosely, I mostly laid there and contemplated my life. I have beat myself in every single way possible.

I just want to give up. In fact, I’m pretty sure I am going to give up.

I can go on for days about all of the things wrong with my ex. But the reality is a break up is usually a two person effort. I played just as big of a part, probably a bigger part in this.

This version of me has not been working for a long time. I don’t express myself correctly and come off as mean. I’m too lax when I need to be strict and too strict when I need to be more lax. I bend over backwards for people who would never lift a finger for me and it leads me to neglect the people who matter. I mean, I could keep going on and on here.

A break up makes you really evaluate yourself and usually in the cruelest way possible. Leave the hate out, but see what makes you unhappy. This is the time to change it. Leave those parts of yourself behind.

So I am giving up. I’m giving up on this version of Carly. There is no better time. I’m starting a new job and moving into a brand new apartment complex. No one needs to know this hateful, mean-spirited, self loathing version of Carly.

Now whenever I feel the strength to pull myself off this strength I’ll be leaving that girl behind.

The Wallow Week: Part 3

I’m fortunate enough in my break up that I don’t have to see my ex basically ever again if I choose. We don’t work together, we live in different neighborhoods, have different friends, and we don’t even like the same things. For me, this is perfect. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m not the most cool, calm and collected young lady. When I stopped seeing a guy who lived in my neighborhood I went into hiding for months and basically went out in disguises.

Yesterday afternoon I said good bye. My ex brought over all of my things from his house. I said all of the things I felt I would need to get off of my chest. I blocked his number. I blocked him on Facebook. That’s it. There truly is no need to see him ever again.

Ouch.

When you go through a break up you’re not just losing a lover, you’re losing a friend. Probably your best friend. The hardest part for me is not being physically starved, I can find any shmuck in the bar, but I’m going to miss my friend. I’m going to miss my friend terribly. When life gets hard, I want to call him. When good things happen, I want to call him. I am starting a new job, moving into a new apartment and I can’t tell my best friend all about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I have other friends and they are ALL are AMAZING. But they all have separate lives. I know that I’m not alone and I know that I’m not actually a burden but it’s really hard to replace the friend in boyfriend.

Last night was my first night ALONE (without work) and that didn’t scare me. I met friends out at the bar, had a few drinks, came home and slept. At night I can get wrapped up in a good television show or movie, go to bed early, meet friends, or do something distracting.

It’s the days alone that scare me. Today is my first day alone and I’m not entirely sure how to get through it. I have so much to do and I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m really just sitting here, staring at my phone knowing it holds blocked numbers and missing my friend.

The Wallow Week: Part 2

Though you wish the entire world would put itself on hold, life continues on everyday. I believe in a past life I was a mass murderer or something because my life tends to have a lot of bad luck.

Break up + Bad Luck = Admission to the psych ward.

Okay that’s a little excessive. Let me share my grief.

Before my 12 hour night shift yesterday, and still running on essentially no sleep, I decided to stop at the coffee shop behind my house for some desperately needed caffeine. I go to grab my wallet and….it’s…not…ANYWHERE. In desperation I call my ex, hysterical, begging him to search his house. He comes up with nothing. As I get into work, teetering between barely keeping it together and having a public nervous breakdown, I retrace my steps. Hyperventilating I call a diner I had a 4 am pit stop to (on Sunday morning) and by the grace of GOD, they have my wallet. I mean, I left it there 3 days ago. I gently hang up the phone and my coworker, a woman I love dearly, touches my shoulder and asks if I’m ready for report.

I burst into loud, hysterical, sobs. So loud, the entire nurses station stops and stares at me. I have no shame anymore. Those tears were from anxiety and relief and I could not contain my crazy ass. Keeping it together after a break up is hard enough, but throw in a little of life’s messes? FORGET IT!!!
After I finally stop hyperventilating and catch my breath, I tell the story to my confused and caring coworkers and I’m showered with so much love. In fact, later when I was really calm down and able to see the comedy in this outburst, I told the story to one of my patients. She looked at me and said, “listen dear I’m not a very nice person, but I’m making an exception for you tonight.” Then she gave me a hug and a hoagie. #spoiled

Life will continue to move on. And if your life is like mine, bad things are going to continue to happen, big and small. Don’t beat yourself up for overreacting. Who cares if you look crazy, because let’s get real. Aren’t you feeling pretty crazy right now?

Shamelessly ask for help in others when you need it most. When you’re going through a heartache, you don’t need a brave face 24/7. I don’t think that my one public outburst has ruined my reputation. In fact, when you are able to open up and be vulnerable in a time of need, people respond positively.

The Wallow Week; Part 1

I passed the 24 hour mark.  It seems so much harder to make it through each day when you are awake for almost every single hour.  I keep reading articles on the internet and they all highly recommend avoiding staying in bed, but I can’t imagine anything sweeter than a Benadryl and 10 hours of beautiful sleep.  Today I got almost 5 hours of sleep, so we are making strides!

I sat part of my night with a huge knot in my stomach.  That pit of dread, my physical reaction to the loss of something I didn’t even want.  It was making me ill.  What do I say when I randomly burst into tears?  How do I explain my sudden loss of focus?  I found two ways to ease the knot.

By the grace of God I spent the night working with two beautiful souls who wanted to listen to my story.  I told the story of my tumultuous relationship over the past nine months…the past year…the past four years.  To get these things off of my chest was amazing.  The pit disappeared, if at least for the night.
So talk to people, they want to listen.  Play off the fact people have a morbid fascination with break ups.  Others don’t want to know to ruin or laugh at you.  Probably, they have been hurt at some point too. People will surprise you with their desire to help. Last year during my break up(s) a patient stopped me during 4am blood draws and asked me what was wrong.  I smiled and said what do you mean?  He made me give him a hug and told me that I should never let another person, let alone a man, dictate how I feel about myself.  He said that in the few hours he had met me he had already figured out the type of person I was.  He said I had an inner beauty that was too special to miss.  At 4 am in a hospital bed, I let a total stranger hug it out with me.  Like I said, you’d be surprised at how much people actually want to help

 The second thing?  Well it’s so obvious it’s stupid.  I blocked his number.  Not from him but from MYSELF.  I found myself texting a million questions that were unanswered and his ignorance was letting me know they would remain that way.  I stopped myself and thought, “what difference does it make if I get these answers?  What is going to change?”  NOTHING! So how do I stop rubbing salt into the wounds?  Block the number.  Delete the contact.  Delete the photos.  Block on Facebook.  Again, so obvious it’s just dumb. Torturing yourself is not going to make the other person listen, feel bad, forgive you, apologize, or any of the other stupid things we rationalize for our self mental mutilation.

Talking it out and blocking his number made me come to some major realizations, most of them personal, which is not the point of this blog.  But some of them I can share, because all of us need to realize this:

Never settle because you feel you have to. 
Give your best in everything you do, including your relationships.
Learn to love yourself, it is far more essential than anything else.

I am no where near ready to follow my own advice.  Not even close.  But it’s a starting point.

Adventures of a newly single girl

I’m not entirely sure how one gets over a break up.  No matter how long or short, good or bad, a break up is one of life’s toughest obstacles.

For me? It was a text message at work and 12 hours of being absolutely insane.  I’m talking 50 + phone calls, text messages that equal a short story.  I’ve been sobbing then laughing.  I have gotten maybe two hours of sleep in the past twenty four hours and still have two more night shifts ahead of me.  Though you wish you could stop it, life goes on after a relationship ends.

I’ve been in a relationship for most of my dating life.  I hopped from one relationship to the next and I honestly cannot remember the last time I was single for longer than a month or two.  The past four and a half years of my life has been dedicated to one person and now that door has shut. But as they say, when one door closes another one opens…but I’m not ready to move through yet.  I’m kind of stuck wandering in the hallway, figuring out who I am as just me.  Just Carly. 

So welcome to my journey into finding myself.  My best self. 

But all of that will start next week.  This week is about feeling.  I feel hurt.  I feel sad.  I feel relief.  I feel the need to drink a lot of wine.  I feel the need to reach out to every single person who has ever been kind to me. 

But first thing is first: get through the next two night shifts without making too much of an ass of myself. 

Walkin’ the Walk

Despite a stomach virus, crappy weather, and generally bad happenings, I found inspiration this week.  I credit this to Joe Cross and David Wolfe.

I watched a lecture by David Wolfe, this totally eccentric, out there dude who is on a raw diet.  He IS the raw diet, if I say so myself.  The best part is he presents this superfood, raw diet movement in a totally approachable not douchebag way.  In fact, he’s very scientific about the whole thing, appealing to my inner geek.  Plus he loves chocolate.  I’m in.

Then I saw a lecture by Joe Cross and watched his documentary, “Fat Sick and Nearly Dead.”  I know, I’m a few years behind.  But basically this guy loses a bunch of weight and totally does a health 180 after this 60 day juice cleanse.  We all know I hate cleanses but this guy has got me sold on juicing.  Seriously, watch the documentary it’s on Netflix.  It really moved me.

So here we are on Friday. The weather has broken, I see a stream of sunlight this morning. The humidity has cut back making the air pleasant for once.  The stars are aligned and I’m trying something new.

This week I have decided to begin Raw Foods Friday and juicing everyday for one week to see how it helps.   I’m not doing another cleanse, God knows I hated that.  But I’m really curious to see what this extra punch of fruits and veggies will do to me. 

Also, I have started working out with the Tone It Up girls and if you haven’t watched their show or explored their website, DO IT.  They are amazing.  In fact, that gets a whole separate blog post full of love and admiration. 

So basically this week, I’m reaffirming my health mantra.  I am worth it.  You are what you eat.  Going Green.  Etc. Etc.

Happy Friday, all!

xox

Food for Thought: LET IT GO!!

I have a confession.  I am an emotional eater.  Like, eat a cupcake when I’m happy, eat a pizza and forty cupcakes when I’m sad.  I was doing an amazing job with my diet, eating clean, feeling great.  Then an event a few weeks ago sent me straight to my favorite vegan pizza shop with a pizza and seitan wings and soda.  My man-friend shook his head as I said, covered, in grease, “leave me alone I’m eating my feelings!”

Anyway,

In less than a month, I’ll be moving out of this stuffy 3rd floor apartment to a brand new building in a brand new studio.  As I slowly begin to pack my things I realize that I’m holding on to so much CRAP.  Literally.  I hold onto garbage that once upon a time had sentimental values.  Clothes that I bought and never wore. Clothes that don’t fit because I imagine that one day I’ll be my high school size again (which is stupid because the clothes are so outdated anyway).  Things that could so easily be tossed or given away, I love to hold onto.  But with this move and a serious downgrade in size (for an upgrade in luxury!) I have no choice.  I have given away bags of clothes, have pitched hundreds of things I would have otherwise kept.  How many dried up tubes of glitter does a 25 year old girl need?  About 6 I guess. 

But as I do with objects, I do with people.  I don’t let go.  I don’t let go of anything.  Not the bad feelings, nor the good.  These failed relationships hang on me like 20 extra pounds of weight.  So maybe it’s time to let go?  My mom is always quoting Joel Osteen and Oprah to me.  I roll my eyes and laugh at her every time.  But as I finally throw away that last broken crayon that I for some reason have been saving, I had to ask myself, is it time to let go of these other feelings?

With some relationships, I tend to “yearbook” them.  I look back on them and only see these wonderful times and become sentimental and sad that the relationship has ended.  I fail to remember the things that separated us in the first place.  In many cases, this is a good thing!  I do this with so many childhood friendships.  My two best friends in elementary school, I no longer speak to on a regular basis.  But I often look back on our friendship and smile.  I am genuinely happy when good things happen to them.  See, that’s the way a normal person handles friendships that burn out. Distance and time can move people apart.  It becomes bad when you *ahem-me* try to pick up where you left off.  Just because people change doesn’t always mean for the better.  And it doesn’t always complement your lifestyle.  I’m not even the same person from one day to the next, so how can I expect a person to be the same after ten years?  Honey, let it go.

Even worse, I tend to hold onto the bad.  I will never forgive some people in my life for thing that happened years ago.  I hold onto this anger and it absolutely consumes me.  It affects my current relationships.  It affects my mood in the morning.  It affects what I think about as I go to sleep.  I need to forgive and let it go, just as I throw away the jeans that fit me at age 12.

Holding onto to these relationships in a negative way really affects you overall. It affects you stress level, your sleep patterns, your mood, and if you’re like me, your diet.  I stress eat/starve like no one else.  In fact, it was an evaluation as to why I binge eat that made me realize that most of my eating is emotional.  Let it go, girl.  Let it go. 

Maybe in a month when I’m sitting poolside in my GORGEOUS new apartment, I will write the letters I never need to send and close the book on the people that I need to.  Maybe a new apartment will equal a new start.  But until then…Let It Go!

Finally Finishing my Detox Journal!

So no lie, life has been insane lately.  Between work and organizing to move and my trip to ABQ, I’ve been swamped.  So I’m going to serve Days 5, 6, and 7 of my detox for ya!

Day 5: TREAT. YO. SELF.
So now that I finally feel that I’ve conquered my “bad” cravings, I decided to treat myself.  Now, let me rewind.  Today I went out to eat twice and was able to stay on my cleanse.  I had a BEAUTIFUL beet salad with asparagus soup and a fresh pressed juice for lunch.  I was full and mostly satisified.  I still miss chocolate.  My BFF and I took a trip to Oakland and toured Phipps, a healthy and active way to spend a cool Friday afternoon.  I treated myself to an herbal ta as well.  Then for dinner I had some Thai with brown rice and all veggies.  AMAZING.  No dairy, no meat, all good to me!
So, my treat?  A glass of chardonnay and a piece of dark chocolate.  All it took was one glass and one piece and I was in heaven. 
I don’t want to jinx myself, but I think I’m learning moderation!!

Day 6: Bad Girl
I’m learning that I actually have NO will power.  See Day 5, ha!  At work a patient bought a pizza for us, which was SO SO kind of them.  I sat there and I stared at that pizza.  Honestly, I resisted it as long as I could.  But I had a slice…*gasp*
But it was a learning experience!  I had it for my 2am lunch and I felt like CRAP.  I felt really bloated and not as impressed as I thought.  Now I know this pizza shop, it certainly wasn’t the quality of the pizza it jus wasn’t doing it.  I wish I had opted out and stuck with my detox lunch instead.  So I broke the detox…again.  But, was this a break through?  Did I learn?

Day 7/8: THIS IS IT!
I combined these two days because Day 7 was completely uneventful.  Typical cravings, stayed on the detox diet and realy had no problems.  It’s must easier to detox on night shift. 
Day 8 was my last day.  What did I learn?  SO much about my body and my mind.  I really tap into my emotions with food, which I need to not limit this but replace.  Instead of falling in love with the bad things, I should learn to love the good things, and I am!  I’d kill for an amazing green smoothie.  Herbal tea is my goddess.  Grilled veggies, fresh fruit…omg.  Instead of jumping back into my junk food I’m going to make a huge effort to avoid it.  My biggest change from the detox?  GRAINS.  BEANS. COME BACK TO ME!

So what did I learn from all of this?  I learned that I love sugar.  I just adore it.  But I must break up with it, but it’s got to be a gradual thing.  Since my detox I’ve had a few slips, what can I say i’m an emotional eater?  I’ve had a couple binge moments and have always regretted it.  But for the most part, I’m a good little girl!  I’ve given up sweets significantly.  I’ve gone to sugar with every meal to mostly, one piece of dark chocolate a day.  Granted this varies.  Sometimes I have a few more pieces, sometimes I have none.  Sometimes I have a cupcake, most days I don’t.  I have always been on the fence about completely excluding certain foods from your life and now I know where I stand.  It’s impossible for a girl like me to never have a little bit of the bad stuff sometimes.  In fact, I think it’s good for the soul to throw yourself a bone, or a cupcake, every once in a while.  I believe in a green, vegan diet (with a little wiggle room for cheese cheats!) plenty of exercise and happy foods.  Will I ever detox again?  Probably not.  I just can’t do it.  That doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t try it, it’s just not for me. 

Go forth and eat my friends!

xo